Just spent the last week with my sister…..she and I go on a ‘road trip’ whenever we can both get away.  We had been putting it off because of her divorce trial that never seems to go away, however, because it never seems to go away, we did.

The day before she left, a letter came from her attorney. Keeping in mind the judge signed off on her divorce in April, her ex, Tom and his attorney decided they would keep working and working for more money to be paid instead of having to pay, as the accounts had not been completely separated.  With this particular judge, it seems that the first one to make a stink wins……which, as one learns to understand about the judge, the stink does not have to be truthful.

The letter stated the judge had ordered my sister to pay another $12,000, and also stated that if she (my sister) wanted to, she could appeal.  Now as one knows $350.00 an hour does not go very far.  My sister works 60 hours a week as an ER Nurse and is 63. Her ex is a pharmacist, owned a drug store, made over a million dollars, day-traded it away (their retirement), and when she filed for divorce, gave up his license to be a pharmacist and said he didn’t want to work anymore.  Incidently, pharmacists make on a bad day $250,000 a year.  As you can see, he wanted my sister to pay for every part of the divorce proceedings and decided this was a good way to start.

Now one who knows this story will know I’m jumping around with the facts of the last 25+ years, however, this is just a glimpse of what an abusive man can do to his wife and grown 27 year old daughter.  This is done not because he is in need, but because he has lost control, and his only desire is to continue to cause havoc in 2 women’s lives.

You ask……if he was abusive, why didn’t that count???  I explain…..because he never broke anything….no one ever saw the bruises….no one ever saw the two being thrown out of their home weekly during his fits of rage. No one saw the knife to the throat…….WHY   WHY…..because she is the victim of abuse.

Here is how she thought it out……and it isn’t dumb…..it is doing her very best to solve the abuse problem, keeping her marriage intact, keeping him as a practicing pharmacist, replenishing their monetary losses, and helping him get well.  How do you do that…..very easy…..you don’t call the police and have him arrested or have him made a ‘legal’.  You don’t file a restraining order or let his pharmacy license lapse.  You pray each evening that  you can make it thru to the next day, and that the man you married will finally see the light and become a good husband and father again.  

You wait and you wait and you wait.  Your friends know, your family knows, and you know, but you can’t afford to give up everything for one phone call to the police.  There is  too much on the line ….. income, retirement, home, daughter, bills, 401-k, love, 30 years, reputation, small town, and so much more.

So back to the letter…….a contining account of abuse, still done legally, still no recourse except for maybe working longer than 60 hours a week to pay an   attorney, no peace, no guarantee that it is finally over after 30+ years.

And so for a day or so, our road trip was made up of sad times….of being caught once again in the illegalities of the legal system, of being fined for nothing more than being able-bodied and working 60 hours a week, of having more money that can be legally taken, dollar after dollar, of not having the power of being right on your side. 

We did have a good time, we nurtured one another, loved one another, saw the Grand Canyon, and the beauty of  the aspen in Flagstaff, Az.  She saw Palm Springs for the first time and got her hair frosted on my birthday.

She is home safe now…..with one more day of  vacation.  I’m catching up on emails and laundry…..Many memories, many strengths, but at least we were together……he kept her away from me.. for over 20 years.   More on that later.

So if you are seeing yourself……think it over very carefully….make your plans, and run, don’t walk to the nearest shelter for you and your children.Waiting can be so costly…..even if the reasons behind it are so carefully thought out, and as the vows, so hollow.